So the concept of forgiveness has been on my heart lately. This is such an integral part of recovery from addiction or any other mental health issue.
I have heard numerous times that a lack of forgiveness is drinking poison and expecting the other person to become sick from the poison.
But the term forgiveness is thrown around frequently, but what exactly is forgiveness?
As I heard Glen Packiam at New Life Downtown say this weekend, sometimes it is helpful to start with what forgiveness is not. First of all forgiveness is not the act of minimizing the wrong incurred by oneself. Sometimes we are so overridden by our own shame or self deprecation that we end up unplugging the impact of the damage done to use by another. Forgiveness is also not excusing the offender by stating they didn’t know any better or they were doing the best they could.
Forgiveness actually requires fully naming the offense. Glen said this so succinctly, “You can’t cancel a debt you haven’t named.” This is exactly why the act of forgiveness is actually a process… A journey of naming the offense without excusing the offender. A path of finding one’s own voice to speak where we have been wronged.
True forgiveness takes an immense amount of courage and confidence in oneself.
I also want to add that forgiveness does not mean a full reconciliation of the relationship. It may mean a reconciliation occurs, but it also may not mean this. Forgiveness may also need to include new self protective boundaries. Forgiveness may mean speaking one’s truth leading to a discontinuation of a relationship.
Notice that forgiveness does not necessary require a full confession by the other person. It is a decision to stop drinking the poison expecting the other person to be affected. It is an active decision to stop expecting the other person to “make it right”.
But forgiveness of the unrepentant actually requires self-protecting boundaries. Otherwise chaos may ensue. The chaos of further damage and destruction done by the offender.